Coldplay’s album “A Head Full Of Dreams” is playing loud in the living room on my UE Boom. I downloaded the album hoping it was going to be good, I was not disappointed. I listened to this album, on full blast on my earphones as I walked outside Mum’s village , I needed to get my head around Luckys death. So now when I listen to this album, it brings back both sad and emotional feelings when I listen to it, and reminds me of Lucky.
Music has always done that for me, and escape, ever since I can remember, I still listen to the music of my teens, Rush and Supertramp, being some of the influences of those years.
Music is a very important to me. Certain songs, albums, bring me back to certain moments throughout my life, good or bad, bringing thoughts that make me smile and others that can make me cry, when I am in that receptive mood.
As I have said before , I am a reflector, reflecting back on past times, moments, thinking of many things. I learnt as a trainer ,that reflecting can be a good learning tool, learning from your mistakes, or it also can be very corrosive , eating away, as you blame yourself, or over thinking and missing the learning that can be gained, but blame and regret taking dominance instead .
I am sitting here in my house, and, after cleaning my new pickup and reflecting as I sponge the bodywork, I remember the journey I have taken to get to this very point in my life. It has been a hard journey, but there have been wonderful times too.
The reason for this post is simple, to tell people that thing’s can end up fine and nor what you expect. There will be those of you who are in their own journey, maybe the start of a journey, still not sure on where they are going, or not even not wanting to be on any journey at all. Or , maybe, you are halfway through your journey, knowing where you want to go, or some might have known where they want to go but been jolted from their path, and are now confused and now going on an unexpected direction, Not knowing where they may end up, remember , there is always hope.
I have been on every one of those journeys and on one now. I think of the past, when I knew where I was going, then something from the blue, blocked tha path. The darkness of the choices, scary, being afraid of even putting one foot in front of another.
My advice, keep going, it may be dark, scary and looks long, but you have no idea where you will end up. Yea, you might be thinking that it’s too dark and the end may be full of dread, but instead think of the good things that might happen and could happen, but won’t happen if you don’t keep going forward.
I have been through a lot in my life, had many dark paths, scary journeys, when I have been alone, times the responsibility was almost crippling, but one step, one slow faltering step after another, is the only way. Staying where you are is not an option, as time and the journey is always be moving , regardless of what you want.
What I am trying to say is this, well it’s simple. The future will be better.
There is no way, 10 years ago or longer back , that I would have even dreamt I would be in the place where I am now, emotionally, physically or financially, but I am, and all because of one foot in front of another.
I have had two failed marriages, lost a child, ( Not physically ) been bankrupt,had to fight through the courts to gain custody for my son, found my dad, been told that I would Never, ever win custody because I was a man, but did, been through years of crippling depression, being investigated, for over a year, by PSD, over a simple thing and then after that year of stress and lies, nothing happened. Having my love for my job,the enthusiasm had been sucked from me over that year.
Lost friends, who were murdered by terrorists when I was in the RUC , lost colleagues in Belfast, also murdered, when I was serving in the RMP with 39 Int. Had to be taken off the streets if Belfast because of a viable threat from terrorists on my life. Seen fellow colleagues bleed and die in front of me, and been lucky not to have been shot and blown up. Then moved to Birmingham to join the WMP (West Midlands Police), go through a nasty divorce then after getting custody of my son, living from pay packet to pay packet each month , lost sleepless nights from stress, have failed relationships, failed because I could not commit, due to the divorces.
Yea, sounds depressing, but I worked through it all, one step at a time, sometimes unable to lift my feet for the burden of the effort, but I did, during that time I had good friends, good moments, wonderful experiences and a life that was varied and full. Through it all I brought up a who I could not be more proud of, who through all my faults, downs and hiccups, still is a son wh other people say is a great man, and someone I should and , am , proud of.
Now, here I am , in a wonderful house, it’s bought and paid for, a nice new car outside, a pension that will help me live reasonably but not in luxury. I have a wonderful wife , something I thought I would never have even say again, a wonderful Thai family and another son.
The move has not been easy, I miss Chris so much , not because he’s my son, but he has become a close friend, over the past few months, as we have had to be close, as we sorted out the move to Thailand and his move to his mum’s.
We have no idea of the future, so take each day as it comes, I am thankful. I have been to very dark places, and would not wish that on anyone, but I came out, we all can, I am here, some friends and colleagues did not have that luck.
We all stand in the same place, if we decide to look down at the dirt, we see dirt, or we can look ahead, to the future, or we can look up, at the sky and see the wonderful stars , or we can look behind. All these views are from the same place, where and what direction we look , where we point our head, is up to us, look ahead, look to the stars, and move forward . Look behind some times remember where we have been, and remember where we come from, learn from that, nut not for to long, don’t look at the ground, it’s dirt and mud there’s more out there.
Never, ever, give up.