Every now and then the enormity of the move ahead, hits me , it sweeps over me like a wave, the wave of worry, stress and problems creep up and envelops you. Don’t get me wrong, I cant wait to go, can’t wait to sit on the front of the house beer in hand and some nice food to nibble on. The sun beating down, nothing to do, all this is what I want to do, so why the stress ?.
Its a good question, a question I have been asking myself a few times, well more than a few times, then I wonder why these waves of stress appear.
Its times like these, I reflect and look at my life, the things i have done, the awful times I have endured and come through.
When I reenact some of those experiences when this feeling of dread was present, that blanket of stress and worry, the tightening of the chest, a wooly head and the compelling thought of coiling into a ball under the biggest duvet you and find and hide. That feeling.
These have been lots of occasions when I have had that feeling, he main one that comes to mind and the longest I have been in that world, was when I was fighting for custody of my son. Which, after a long period in court, I was successful.
Its funny, you end up embracing it, treating it as a friend, and now and them even now, I smile. I smile when I feel that tightening of the chest, the feeling of loneness and isolation. My old friend has arrived, it’s here, and reminds me that he or she will always pop back when the occasion arises.
This unwanted friend, like a relative you don’t like, who you know, will stay for a while, or maybe more but no matter how you try wont go, and, then, will leave, when they are ready.
Well this friend says hi now and then, says hi when I worry about the move, says hi when I think about leaving my son behind in England, Says hi when I have no idea what the future holds.
I expected my friend to visit, goodness its a certain, it’s a big move i am sure the friend was sitting there all eager to pounce.
As my friend is an old friend, and being an old friend you know their moods, mannerisms, my old friend no longer scares, its a necessary visit. Like that looming visit to the dentist, it has to be done, but you have been there before, and the smell, the clinically white room and the build up adds to the dread. Inside, you know. You know it has to be done, and in 30 minutes, and hours or even after two visits, it will be over, only the numb mouth remains, and remains only for an hour or so.
Then , then, after that few hours, he memory goes, he stress, he worry the smell, all goes, until the whole thing comes back again, but that could be years ahead.
My dentist appointment is looming, but in exchange for the white clean surgery, there will be the small seat on a plane, instead of the clean smell of chemicals there will be the smell of the person next to you. The nail bitting moment when you hear you name being called and brought into the room, and you are faced by the chair, the surgical light looming over that long chair. That chair, you will soon be on.
Like all things in life, there are two side of the coin, and I am a great believer that nothing in life come for free. This includes my move to Thailand, I will be leaving my friends and my son behind I the UK.
You may think that I have a negative view of life, or that I am changing my mind about the move.
No, this is not the case, I was talking to a fried a while back and I explained my concerns and she said that it was good to hear that I was worried, and I had concerns. She was concerned that I was only looking at the good thing’s and never mentioned the possible difficulties.
I was, I like to think I am realist, I have had as lot of ups and downs in my life, so I am well aware of the down. Many years ago I went through a change, in which I reflected on my life and the way I looked and dealt with things that came up and challenged me.
It was at this point I changed my outlook on life and after a lot of practice I look at the positive things in life and not the negative. I explained it to my son, when you are on the same spot, you have a choice, look ahead to the future,, you can look to the past, look to the dirt and the ground, or look at the stars.
Every outlook is different, each has either a negative or positive outlook, but one thing is the same, you are on the same spot, how you see things all depends on where you look, and thats your choice. You may not have a choice of where you are, or the position you are in, but the choice of where you look is yours.
My blog has been mainly of a positive mature and i intent it will continue to be so, but every now and then will add a little entry saying how I am feeling and the emotion of the move and the emotional difficulty that also come with great move, the other side of the coin.