My Black Dog

It is hard to explain to anyone who does not suffer from depression, how it affects you, and to make it worse, people think it just you feeling “down” and give you “great advice” like, “get over it, or “just shrug it off”  “pull yourself together” and many, many more pearls of wisdom. Don’t get me wrong, they are all well intentioned and mean well, but to be honest all it does is make you feel worse and even more isolated.  When you suffer from depression you feel alone and isolated, all these saying and well intentioned words only show that they don’t understand, I have even got into arguments, friends asking why I am depressed and what brought it on, and they say “There must be something that started it” equating their depression with yours, their depression is due to a situation or a person, I am not taking there depression away from them, but it’s not the same.

I know I am not alone when I say I which I had a bandage or something to show I am ill. I have spoken to many others who feel the same, having depression, like diabetes, is not visible, but people understand that a lack of a hormone has a huge effect on you are a person.  I have “Clinical Depression” the hint is in the word clinical. It’s due to a lack of a certain hormone.

I believe my clinical depression started many years ago with a rough 10 years, during which time had a lot of stress, and having chronic stress, over a long period of time can cause hormonal dysfunction, resulting in clinical depression.  It took a long time for me to be diagnosed, people just thought that it was just the stress and the situation I was in, plus I was always putting on a good face to everyone and breaking down when I was alone. The status of having a mental problem adds to your isolation, now wanting to tell anyone you are now well, and not asking for help for the same reason.

There was I, a big butch policeman, ex-soldier how saw action and in all intents and purposes someone who can look after himself. A single parent and all in all life is ok, just the normal stresses we all have.  Inside, it was completely different, not knowing what to do, total confusion, as I have been through so much and can’t cope with this and have no understanding why.

I had listed below some of the symptoms below you feel when depression hits in, I have felt a lot of theses, if not all of these at one stage or another

Sadness

Tiredness

Trouble focusing or concentrating

Unhappiness

Anger

Irritability

Frustration

Loss of interest in pleasure or fun activities

Sleep issues (too much or too little)

No energy

Craving unhealthy foods

Anxiety

Isolation

Restlessness

Worrying

Trouble thinking clearly or making decisions

Poor performance at work or school

Dropping out of activities

Guilt

What makes it a lot worse are , friends, friends who try to give you pep talks, tell you others are in a worse place, telling you have mush you have , how lucking you are , how healthy you are , etc. You could have perfect heath (Physically) have a great job, family, money issues, all in all a perfect life, all that means nothing, your ill, your brain has an imbalance of hormones, which alters your outlook in life. Telling you to “get a grip” or “Pull yourself together” is stupid and all it does is make you feel even more isolated. I never hear someone say “get a grip, sort out your diabetes without drugs”, “run off your broken leg”   

So those with depression, need help and support, I found counselling helped me to put things into perspective and speak to others in the same situation, this help to make you realise you not alone and others feel the same. See your doctor and a lot of the tablets now, re address the hormone imbalance, it takes a few weeks, but it help you to look at life a bit better. So there help and support there, but the big step is to ask for it and realise it.

For family and friends, be there for them, my son and I suffer this this illness, and we understand each other. I will ask him how he’s doing, and he looks at me and said, not good, I will give him a hug and say I am there if he needs me and if he wants to talk.   That’s it, nothing more, I show him I am there, I don’t question him, ask him why, just say I am there, that’s all you need.  Depression can come and go, , there can be a reason , but mainly there are no reasons. It just happens. At the moment, as I am writing, I am in a depressive state, it has taken a week or so to put finger to keyboard, but I have learnt to work with my depression. Like the “Black Dog” see link below, I am not too bad, I feel my black dog is outside the door, I feel its presence and know how it feels, I don’t fight it anymore, but know the dog will leave, and I have a routine, I force myself to eat, drinking yogurt works for me, I don’t drink and I wait.   I have a slight headache, it’s like a head full of cotton wool, numb, draining and I am emotional, when alone I cry at silly things and trying to sort things out I have a short temper, so keep away from conversations etc. My main feeling, tired, sooo tired, drained, and unmotivated.  Find putting this into this blog does help, so I can help someone, and therefore do not feel alone.

I have a good life, retired in Thailand, a wonderful wife, two sons I am proud of, and have no reason to be depressed, but I am. I know that had intended to return to the UK to work and see friends and I normally do, but my two fights, due to COVID , have been cancelled So this has added to my depression, but I have been like this for a while, unable to work in my garden or visit friends here or motivate myself. However a few years ago I decided not to take any more medication, for my own reasons, and I do meditation and it helps me daily. ( I have been a Buddhist for over 20 years now) Having a dog has helped me as well , I have never had a dog before do Leo has kept me company and he knows when I am in a mood.

So my friend , if you are one of the millions who suffer from this horrible illness, you are not alone, there are people who understand, and there is help, but you need to do it yourself, for yourself. Please look for help, and in my case , please eat, lol you need to look after yourself.  Look at the link below, it will explain a lot.  

If you have a loved on how is crippled by this, be there for them but don’t force anything too much, try to read and understand, it’s not something you can just , shake out of, like a big disappointment. Watch the link below too. Remember , we do get headaches, a lot of the time they just happen, depression is the same, sometimes it just happens, please don’t ask why.

I had a black dog, his name was depression – YouTube